Archive | February, 2016

Dear Groundhog …

2 Feb

Dear Groundhog,

I’ve been asked to speak to you as a representative from the bipedal, furless community & to offer you what we feel is a lucrative business proposition. While it is a proposition, we aren’t actually “propositioning you” in the shady sense & would never want you to get the wrong impression of our intentions.

The human community realizes that you are only actively employed one day out of the calendar year. Because that day … today, actually … has tremendously heavy repercussions upon our species, it is worth it to us to offer to supplement your entire annual salary to encourage you to stay home & inside the duration of today. We’re taking up a collection.

We understand that you never really wanted to be a meteorologist; that your parents pushed you in that direction because, while uncertain, it did present employment stability with quite a substantial amount of free time to spend with your family. And so you acquiesced & have been predicting the weather for many, many years.  We’re hoping, however, that you accept our offer & simply stay home today. We believe our offer should be agreeable for both of us … you & our human community… a kind of meteorological symbiosis.

Here’s our back story:

Winter really hasn’t been too bad. There were days in December that were downright balmy & we’ve only had one episode of heavy weekend snow, which was beautiful. But we’ve seen it now & don’t really need to see it again or repeat the experience. We’re totally ready to move on here.

The problem is that this winter, while mostly tolerable, has become tedious. It just drags on. And even though in some areas it’s been warm enough to push flowers into bloom, we’re ready for a distinct change. (Flowers blooming in December? That’s just wrong.) We’re ready for spring … for a little touch of normal. The consideration of 6 more weeks of tediously confusing weather, filled with threats of snow & dreariness & fluctuating temperatures is juST GETTING ON OUR  NERVES. (Forgive me for raising my voice. It’s a symptom of Cabin Fever & many of us are becoming consumed by it. We are suffering).

Our weather here today is cloudy with sprinkles of rain & temperatures in the 40s, but it might not be like that in other places, most particularly in Pennsylvania. Even a brief break in the clouds could spell 6 more weeks of disaster. So we are urging you to stay home. Stay inside. Fix a cup of coffee, a piece of toast, a crispy leaf & go back to bed. Read a good book or watch TV.  Heck … BAKE SOMETHING.

We are encouraging you to toss aside your selfish shortsightedness & take a “personal day.” Remember – we will be supplementing your salary … your ANNUAL salary, so what have you got to lose? Commit a totally unselfish act by thinking of others & STAY INSIDE. WE’VE GOT THIS …………….

Enjoy your day. We are glad to have provided it for your convenience & for your enjoyment. And please remember… starting tomorrow … should you venture out, please wear sun screen. You can never be too careful.