Gravity and Willie Nelson

12 May

I woke up this morning & staggered to the bathroom. That’s what those of us who suffer from frequent insomnia do the mornings after a rough & sleepless night. Reaching for my toothbrush I noticed that I was missing an earring (I’ve been sleeping in my earrings since way back several decades ago when I got my ears pierced) & I immediately thought of Willie Nelson. I went back into the bedroom & found it lying in the bed … the earring; NOT Mr. Nelson.

Seeing my naked earlobe just suddenly brought to mind Willie Nelson. He’s been on a number of talk shows lately publicizing his recently published book. I forget the title but while Mr. Nelson is a somewhat controversial character, most everybody loves or admires him for one reason or another; a certain song, his checkered life &, well, the controversy. Mostly, I think people admire him above & beyond his music because of his honesty.

Mr. Nelson has just turned 82 years old & seems to have some part of every one of those years & their accompanying experiences etched on his face & memorialized on his frail body. But he still has that Willie wit, that dry sense of humor, a certain way of laughing at himself & his mile-long signature pigtails. What I noticed most about his recent appearances is the size of his earlobes. They are HUGE!

Having been a nurse & having been taught way back in nursing school to be observant I’ve noticed that people, but most particularly men, it seems, tend to get enlargement of certain anatomical parts with advancing years. Yes, occasionally that particular appendage, too, but that’s not the focus of this blog entry. The focus is mostly ears & sometimes noses. While elderly women tend to get wrinkled earlobes & noses, men generally tend to get an enlargement & elongation of their corresponding body parts.

I’m speculating here that those enlargements are most likely due to gravity, but I’m not sure. Numbers of elderly persons don’t seem to be afflicted with this particular body morphing thing, so I’m wondering what causes the phenomenon in some but not in others. Probably there’s been a study about this & somewhere there’s literature that blames enlarging body parts in some elderly persons on smoking. After all, that life-threatening habit has been blamed for everything from psoriasis to fleas & certainly Mr. Nelson’s gargantuan earlobes could be related to that … smoking of tobacco & those other self-admitted substances. But, again, that’s not what I’m really focusing on.

Just an observation, however – if longevity is measured in earlobe length, Mr. Nelson has cornered the market on long life.

I’m part of the “Baby Boomer Generation” & we stand for being innovative & prepared; looking the bull in the eye & taking it by the horns. So if I’m going to be plagued with elongating body parts in my twilight years I want to be ready & since Willie Nelson’s ears were almost my first waking thought this morning, I’m going to start with that.

Conceding that my parts are likely to elongate… quite possibly my ears… I am formulating a game plan, with no disrespect to Mr. Nelson. He is simply the visual that brought all this to mind & sparked my need for preparedness.

Women are most adept at camouflage but if we aren’t, we are certainly adept at finding new uses for things that change. I believe it’s just something we’re born with, like turning a Tupperware ham keeper that’s gone sticky into an effective back yard planter for an attractive border plant. We’re just talented that way.

So I started thinking about Willie’s earlobes & wondering what uses I might find for my own if they begin to succumb to gravity someday. Being the caring person that I believe I am, I will be more than happy to share the results of my research with Willie Nelson.

I’ve given this a lot of thought based entirely on the size of Willie Nelson’s earlobes, which are now the “gold standard” for me.

If I decide to take up sky diving at a ripe old age because it is somewhere on my bucket list, can I use my developing & elongating earlobes as parachutes? Can I possibly save a few coins by using them as sails for a sail boat I may purchase during an episode of “mind-slipping” as my years advance? And what about para-sailing? Certainly monster earlobes will be useful for that retirement pastime. Boat rowing & maybe even hockey are other considerations & just might be somewhere on my bucket list. The possibilities are astounding.

Being female & practical & not quite so sports minded, though, I’m thinking more on practical terms like wondering just how far my earlobes are likely to fall. Will they be approaching my shoulders just as shoulder pads make a come-back AGAIN on the fashion scene & runways across the fashion world? That could be a good thing (except for the fact that shoulder pads are ugly & give women an unbalanced, deformed appearance). I could simply drape those earlobes across my shoulders & save myself a huge expense not buying an entire new shoulder pad infused wardrobe to keep up with the fashion of the day.

What about BREASTS? Whether we turn out skinny or chunky, little old ladies seem to have an on-going battle with south-going breasts. THAT is directly related to gravity, I think, although some will argue it has everything to do with muscle tone. Regardless, breasts take a direct hit in the elderly & maybe we can find a use for those elongating earlobes that will solve both those problems. SOLUTION: simply stuff those earlobes in our bras (if we’re still wearing one). The extra flesh will add volume that looks & feels natural & nothing will be wasted. We just have to find a way to pull those sagging breasts out of our waistbands & position them just right below the earlobes in our bras.

I remember years ago a friend telling me that she couldn’t jog because her very large breasts would beat her in the face if she tried to run with any speed at all. Earlobes could certainly be a solution to that problem by adding bulk & stability inside her running bra. The only down side to that (down side … get it???) is that she has to wait until she is elderly & her earlobes elongate to test this possibility & solution.

I think I’m going to develop a plan of action & start working on this right now. If I start early perhaps I will be able to ward off unnaturally elongating earlobes for a while. And while I’m delving into the feasibility of my plan that is to reverse the effects of gravity, I may be getting a little exercise that will be helpful to me in a number of areas.

If you need to get in touch with me, please don’t try to reach me between 2 & 3 p.m. For that hour every afternoon, starting TODAY, I will be standing on my head & thanking Willie Nelson for bringing my attention to a problem that I just may be able to solve long before (long …get it?)  it becomes an irreversible affliction. I’ll let you know …….


The Briscoe Center for American History has created a display honoring the Living Legend in Willie Nelson with an exhibit inside the Red McCombs Red Zone within the north endzone of the Darrell K. Royal Memorial Stadium on the University of Texas campus. Nelson arrived to a ceremony opening the exhibit Friday night November 7, 2014 with Don Carleton, Executive Director of the Biscoe Center, who are the curators of an extensive Willie Nelson collection. RALPH BARRERA/ AMERICAN-STATESMAN


4 Responses to “Gravity and Willie Nelson”

  1. John Irvine May 12, 2015 at 9:23 pm #

    Willy is a remarkable man in many ways. I love the guy and his music… now, Linda, let me set you straight on one thing. What you refer to in para 4 as “THAT” particular appendage does NOT increase in size or length with advancing age! This I guarantee you, and I speak from personal experience!!!


    • heimdalco May 12, 2015 at 9:27 pm #

      LOL, John … I know that not ALL of them do but in the OR we saw MOST of them & LOTS of them do. Again, I think it’s the gravity thing. Some of those that we saw that were attached to men in their late 70s & early 80s were fairly incredible. Was that only because they were fairly incredible to begin with & had nothing to do with gravity???


      • John Irvine May 12, 2015 at 9:34 pm #

        I imagine that gravity might well attack a 12-14″ appendage! But for the rest of the worlds “normal” blokes no such luck!


  2. heimdalco May 12, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

    I will certainly keep that in mind, John. It may be helpful in the future for writing purposes … HAHAHA


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