Educational Insomnia

25 Mar

A long time ago my mom struggled with insomnia; a side effect of one of the medicines she was taking. I couldn’t understand what she was going through because, except for an occasional sleepless Christmas Eve or night before vacation, sleeping had never been a problem for me. But now I’ve come full circle & history seems to be repeating itself. Thanks to one of my medicines, I have insomnia.

Since I need the medicine, I tried to ignore those two full pages of side effects that MIGHT happen while taking this medication. I hate those TV commercials advertising medications for relatively common ailments that add a disclaimer “Has caused cancer in some patients, thoughts of suicide & rarely death.” Fortunately, that bit of gruesome information was not included on the two-page pharmacy leaflet that came with the pills but insomnia was, among other non-life threatening things; some of which I also have. But the insomnia is the thing that disturbs my sleep & my life. I consider myself blessed that it doesn’t include that “and rarely death” thing, so I try to deal.

My nighttime routine includes getting into bed very sleepy. I turn over a few times & I’m awake for the long haul. If I’m fortunate enough to go to sleep quickly, I wake up just as quickly two hours later & stay in that condition of suspended animation for hours until daylight starts to happen & I finally go to sleep. My day is shot because it’s difficult to get much done when you sleep until 10 a.m.

On the positive side I DO get my daily work-out tossing & turning.

So how do I pass the time in the middle of the night? Counting sheep only worked for a little while. By now I’m on a first name basis with all those “Counting Sheep” (One, Two, Six, Ninety-four) & that no longer works.  Instead, I’ve become an “Infomercial Junkie.”

It’s truly amazing just how many infomercials there are on TV in the hours before dawn. We get about 3000 channels & at one time or another, every one of them has an infomercial advertising SOMETIHNG during the night. This tells me one of two things – either there’s not a lot of regular programming producers wanting to air their stuff in the wee wee hours or there are a heck of a lot of us dealing with insomnia. And we insomniacs make up an audience of sleep deprived people who will buy anything in the hours before sunrise when we’re so sleepy we really don’t know what the heck we’re doing.  I’m guessing its door #2.

So how has this underground life of the insomniac affected me? I know a lot of stuff. Some of it I’ve learned because I’m actually watching the infomercials & some of it I’ve absorbed through osmosis. The amazing thing is, I’ve retained it; probably primarily due to repetition.

I can tell you how to burn belly fat in four different languages & three different time zones. I can do a complete set of Hip Hop Abs without even skipping a beat. I can repeat, verbatim, testimonials from no less than 25 people who have lost at the very least 400 pounds in six days.

I know how to straighten hair, curl hair & deal with hair loss in women. I know how to end male pattern baldness & sometimes that involves a can of spray paint specifically formulated for use on the scalp.”

I’m familiar with slow cookers, deep fryers, blenders & juicers that guarantee to give your vegetables more bang for their buck & add 10 years to your life if you use them regularly while indulging yourself in the joys of the Hip Hop Abs workout.

I know how to rid myself of unwanted lip, chin & nostril hair in the privacy of my own home & how to order catheters for my personal use that will be delivered by the UPS guy discreetly to my home in a plain brown wrapper.

And speaking of rap … well, not exactly rap … but I can sing without the lyrics on paper in front of me every song from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s & the last decade INCLUDING rap.

I’ve become a midnight authority on the Wonder Bra, the Genie Bra, the “As Seen on TV” Bra & can slide into my Spanx without bursting the first blood vessel in my brain. This is certainly acquired knowledge that will help me through the trials of life or at least getting dressed for a night on the town.

I can now install a tankless hot water heater without referring to the instruction manual & can hold my own at the dinner table at any party when the topic of slipping dentures & flatulence comes up. I will be the first name at the top of the guest list.

They say time spent learning stuff is time not wasted so I’m guessing my Infomercial-acquired knowledge has somehow made me a more well-rounded individual who has a wealth of knowledge about a lot of things & a better person. Those HAVE to be positives.

In the long run, I’m exercising my brain. As we age, that is such a positive in warding off dementia & the ravages of Alzheimers. And you know what? It’s a lot better for old farts than sitting on the porch doing Word Search Puzzles.

Now, if I could just get some sleep …………………….



10 Responses to “Educational Insomnia”

  1. Anthony Moshonas March 25, 2014 at 7:07 pm #



  2. cheeseheadva March 25, 2014 at 7:09 pm #

    It is advantageous to reframe undesirable experiences. All kidding aside, I am living proof of how God can turn what I perceived to be a negative (insomnia and disturbed sleep patterns due to bilateral adhesive capsulitis or “frozen shoulders”) into a miraculous positive (increased productivity and greater energy for longer periods of time) that I never would have imagined! I never tried watching television; Instead I listened to Christian music and teaching to feed my soul.. To God be the glory!


    • heimdalco March 25, 2014 at 7:14 pm #

      You are truly an example of a positive result from your insomnia. If my experience & writing about it can make just one person laugh (or respond in some way), then I’m seeing that also as a “positive.” thanks for reading, George. I appreciate your comments.


  3. March 25, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    On the RARE occasions I don’t gratefully fall asleep in 30 seconds or less, I play Word Whomp in my head. I can make more words out of a 6 letter word that has E A as vowels than any other vowel combination.Sorry about your insomnia


    • heimdalco March 25, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

      Thanks, Jeanne. I had the idea for this entry last night during an infomercial … LOL. Started writing it this morning at 6:30 a.m. when Max tossed up a hairball on my white dining room rug (again). Trying to find a positive in all of it.


  4. John Irvine March 25, 2014 at 8:25 pm #

    Very funny piece of writing about a serious issue!!


    • heimdalco March 25, 2014 at 8:34 pm #

      Thanks, John & thanks for reading … MUCH love to you


  5. Leslie Miller March 26, 2014 at 3:43 am #

    Linda try this wonders..enjoyed your blog, as always I needed a good laugh..hope you get some sleep soon..Love u


    • heimdalco March 26, 2014 at 5:56 am #

      Thanks, Leslie. I will only be on this drug 5 more years … LOL. By then I will be a zombie. Thanks for reading & for your kind remarks. Love you …


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